Engine noise
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant: "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

Luggage routing
A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the ticket agent:
"I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle."
"I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that," said the ticket agent.
"Why not? You did it the last time!"

Noise reduction
Air traffic controller:
"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
Airline pilot: "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Air Traffic controller: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?"

Traveling Wives
One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in from angry wives asking: "What trip?"

Fuel emergency
Cessna pilot: "Tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel.
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!
Do you have the airfield in sight?"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

FAA Inspector 
An FAA Inspector walked into a doctor's office with a frog on his head.The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
And the frog said, "Take this wart off my butt."

Archeological dating
A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in Latin America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

"This temple is 2503 years old", replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 2500 years old, and that was three years ago."

Aligators and flashlights
A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

No Exit
An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room!?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the closet, one is the bathroom, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"